Gone to hell
by Vindictus
Summary: Xander goes to hell. I'll think up a better title later.
1. Please leave a message

Disclaimer- I dont own BTVS.

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Gone To Hell

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_chapter 1- _

_Please leave a message._

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Xander grabbed a rock off the side of the road. He really didn't think that Willow could do the whole soul curse thing. Not that she was bad with the whole magic thing, but she was a beginner. A talented one, sure, but just a beginner anyway.

So he really didnt want to get Buffy's hopes up only for Wills to fail, and get them sent to hell because Buffy couldn't stake him. But he had told Willow he would tell Buffy... Xander groaned in frustration. Whatever. If it really looked like Buffy wasnt going to end it... then he would.

One way or another.

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Xander hissed as Angel and Buffy started making out. Didn't they _see_ the great big portal to hell right behind them?

Picking up the sword Angel had discarded, he looked at the blood on the handle. What was it Giles had said? 'The blood is the key'? Something like that. Well, here goes nothing...

Walking past the slayer and her undead sextoy, Xander prepared to thrust the sword into the demon, only to pause as Buffy spun him around.

Buffy glared at him. "What the hell do you think you're doing? I thought I told you to get Giles to the hospital!"

Xander grinned as nastily as he could. "Sorry Buff," He hissed as he turned and stabbed the swords blade deep into Acathla's gaping maw, "Gone to hell. Please leave a message."

Before Buffy could respond, the portal pulsed one last time, sucking Xander and the sword in, before it blinked out.

Angel shook his head. "Sorry, wait a miniute, what just happened? I... Oh, _Shit_."

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Short, but I wanted reviews. Should I do the 'while in hell' storyline, or just skip ahead to when he Xander gets out? Vote!


	2. Honey, I'm home!

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Gone To Hell

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_Chapter 2-_

_Honey, I'm home!_

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_Nine months later-_

Buffy smashed one of the Sisters of Jhe over the head with a chair. Why did every demon out there seem to want to bring hell to earth? It was really, really annoying. Not really a big problem- she had averted tons of apocolypses... Apocali? Whatever the stupid things where called wasn't important, but she _stopped them_.

But the reason she was being brutal well, more brutal than usual with the Sisters was different. She really didnt care _why_ they were trying to open a portal to hell- It was just a convenient excuse to pummel something after Angel had refused to sleep with her again yet another time. She had Willow ready to do the thing with the orb again, as well as some chains he could lock himself in when he started to turn to Angelus, so what was the problem?

Buffy dodged as the weird hydra-thing tried to bite her again and smashed its head with one of the demonic Sisters. Why was this thing always first to come out, anyway? Did the thing just sit next to the hellmouth and wait for things to try to open it?

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Xander climbed up the tunnel as quickly as he could. He had spent 30 years in hell, and only just found an opportunity to get out. According to his informant, the Sisters of Jhe were opening a portal between the two dimensions so they could go back to hell. It was supposed to be a very difficult, draining ritual, so he could probably beat whatever stragglers made it past the Guardian of the worlds. He wondered how Giles would take the knowledge that there was actually a creature that was supposed to keep two worlds from merging... Whatever. Xander's grip tightened as his foothold slipped a little, before heaving himself up and over the ledge. Looking around, Xander walked towards the big hole with glowing lights radiating from it. Looking in, he sighed with relief. Good, there it was. A portal to earth. Probably not his earth, but he could find a way there later. And hell, it probably at least had indoor plumbing. Grinning a little at that happy thought, he jumped in.

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Buffy wiped the axe she had picked up off one of the sisters arms. Looking at Giles' somewhat disgusted expression, she tossed the arm away and looked around. "Well, all's well that ends well, I guess... Still cant see why that snakey demon ran away."

Giles coughed and took his glasses off, polishing them with a piece of cloth that had, miraculously, remained unsplattered by demon gunk. "Uh, well, yes... I suppose. All that's left now is to close the portal before anything bad gets through it. You'll need to repeat with me- Klathis Veritum Ni'k'tu. Understood?"

Buffy shrugged. "Got it. Now- oh, crap."

The portal pulsed as it spat something that looked human out before receding, leaving only a tiny spark that floated to the floor and fizzled out. The human figure pulled itself up and coughed, rubbing its nose. "Oh Gods... I am never getting used to that." Looking around, it paused when it saw Buffy and Giles. "Well well... what do you know..." Grinning, it walked out of the shadows and ignored the gasps of recognition. "Honey, I'm home... OW!" He rubbed his head after Buffy smashed him with a chair. "What was THAT for?"

Buffy glowered at Xander. "Going to hell, idiot. And this," she began, "Is for coming back." She declared, hugging him.

Xander blinked. "Okay, mood swing much? Hey, ouch!"

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AN- As requested, he comes back. If you're wondering why nobody else was at the fight, it was because Cordelia left after Xander's 'disapearance', Willow got pushed back to a supporting role, Oz was having full-moon fun, Faith wasn't told about it, Angel was, as you might have noticed, trying to avoid Buffy after the whole 'I sent your friend to hell' fiasco, and Wesley hasn't arrived yet.

Oh, and sorry for another short chapter, but chapter length is entirely dependent on reviews. The more there are, the longer the chapter gets.


	3. Chapter 3

Yep, it's another chapter.

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Gone To Hell

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Xander cursed at himself. Thirty years in hell, and the moment he got back, what did he do?

He went right back to being the donut boy. The moment he found himself back in the library, all the dreams of revenge he had had before were... Not forgotten, but supressed. He had acted the way he would have if he hadn't ever had to deal with going to hell, with Buffy sleeping with a demon and making it loose it's soul. Thirty years of anger suppressed.

And it wasn't just that first time either- whenever he was around somebody who would be able to see that something was different about him, the memories and anger just dived back under again. It was...

"Bloody annoying, I'm sure."

Xander jumped around. A short man dressed like a pimp walked out from an alley behind where he had been standing. "You see kid, what you did a year ago, going to hell and all... It really screwed around with the Power's plans, y'know? They had to take immidiate action to get the timeline back to normal. Unfortunately, they couldn't undo what you did without your consent, so they had to go around it the hard way. Do you know how hard it was to insure that you survived hell? To change the location the Sisters of Jhe were opening a portal too? It was all worth it, of course. You're far more important to the plan then you might think. But not as you were.

"So, you see, we have to have you act like you were the same Xander as the one who walked into the staircase. Y'know how you didn't age in hell? That was our doing too. Do you realize- is there even a glimmer of knowledge of how freakishly HARD it is to set up a set of circumstances so that you got that hunk of mermaid flesh? And to make it so you wouldn't transform into one of usual monstrosities? It was nigh impossible. And now, you're still harboring these... These absolutely RIDICULOUS notions of 'Getting even' with the slayer.

"There's so much shit you dont know about what's going on that it's scary. So, much to my disgust, the boss HIMSELF decided that you deserve a choice- you can be free to do as you wish- within reason of course- among your old friends, getting information and orders straight from us, or you can stay a puppet all the time. What do you choose, boy?"

Xander snarled. "Define 'Within reason', and give me a reason not to kill you."

The pimp chuckled darkly. "Within reason being that you can't act too drastically different from you did before you went to hell, and as for why you shouldn't try to kill me? Kid, if you pull it off then you go straight back to being the puppet you are every time your old friends are around. And we'll spread around exacty how to kill one of your kind too, just for good measure."

Xander's snarl faded to a sneer. "Fine, I accept your conditions."

The pimp's smile was dark. "Good, good. Remember that if you break this contract, you'll become nothing but a puppet again... Kid."

After the pimp dissapeared into the shadows, Xander laughed. "So, how much of that did you hear? Angelus..."

The vampire stepped out of the shadows. "All of it. So tell me, what was Whistler talking about? Your kind, and all the rest... What happened to you in hell?"

Xander smiled. "Sorry, you heard... Can't act to different, or I'll turn back into a puppet. See you, deadboy."

As Xander walked off into the night, Angel shook his head. "Can't expect more then that, I suppose." Walking off in a different direction, Angel hurried. He needed to ask Giles a few questions about the flesh of mermaids before dawn.

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A.N- If you don't recognise it, the mermaid flesh is taken from the manga Mermaid Saga. It's a nice series, centering around a couple of people who have eaten the flesh of a mermaid, and turned immortal. Unfortunately, not everyone who eats it becomes immortal- roughly 99.9 percent become monsters reminiscent of what happened to the swim team.

Oh, and as you might have noticed, I don't like the BTVS PTB. They seem to be real assholes to me.


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